A BOY AND HIS BLOG

In this installment, our hero attains enlightenment via an unlikely Spirit Guide on the streets of NYC, whilst munching on a dirty-water dog and contemplating existence as seen through his belly button. Those who can peer round the lint therein are more than welcome to join him on his harrowing but ultimately life affirming journey...

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As an aside, if you can draw - I have a project for someone. Some years ago I wrote a mini-comic script about a man who decides to create artificial life. First he collects his belly lint, the flecks of skin from between his toes, the stuff that falls out from the keyboard of his computer when he strikes it repeatedly and some agar in a petri dish and mixes everything together with a pencil that he had habitually used to clean his ears. He then secrets the whole thing in a crevice on the lowest, hottest, dampest part of the 34th street subway station. Upon examination a couple days later, when he finally hazards a look, there is a small bump in the agar. The day after that, the bump has tentacles. Two days after that, the dish is empty. Shortly thereafter, first rodents and then people begin to become scarce in the vicinity of the station - and subway riders traveling through it begin to report strange noises, smells, and sights. In other words, same ol' story. Artists, feel free to send samples.

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There is an episode of The Simpsons where Homer is confronted by a Spirit Guide, in the form of a coyote. The coyote is voiced by Johnny Cash. For purists, we're talking about "The Mysterious Voyage of Homer" Episode 3F24. At one point, the coyote warns Homer that he must calm his inner chaos, as his mind is going "a mile a minute". The scene cuts back to a shot of Homer as the wind blows through his hair, a truly blank look on his face. It is almost as if the wind is moving THROUGH his ears.

On CNN this evening, and thank you again CNN for your decision to loop the same news ALL NIGHT LONG - George Bush, with a remarkably similar look on his face, is discussing future strategies in IRAQ.

I have an exercise for you dear reader. Don't worry, it doesn't involve physical activity. Although I myself have been known to take long walks with the wife and munchkin in tow, I will forgo in these pages recommending that others do likewise. Those people who are most long lived, irregardless of genetic preinclination - are those who put themselves through rigorous physical activity at least 3 times a week. We all know this to be a fact. If we choose to ignore it, we do so at our own peril. Oh, and drink more orange juice, at least one large glass a day. We make most vitamins, but not Vitamin C. It is ESSENTIAL to our well being. I mean that - essential!

So, back to task. Take some black construction paper and cut out a small silhouette of yourself and a loved one, friend, family member, pet, or a favorite celebrity whose name begins with the letter B or L or P. Then tape them to the bottom of your television Ala MST3K. Turn off the sound on the television. It is your job to put words in the President's mouth. You get a gold star for effort if you do so while eating a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Remember, more than 2 syllables is forbidden. You get extra points if you reference God, Florida, your brother, your father, or brand name undergarments with superior absorbency. Never play this game alone, always do so with a partner. One should be the voice of Elmer Fudd, the other is that Waskily Wabbit, or Beaker from the Muppets, you can decide. If you have a rubber nose to wear, Beaker counts double.

Several hours ago I was thinking about The Simpson's Spirit Guide episode while wandering the streets of New York on my lunch break. If you are a Cash fan, definitely play the episode in your head to the tune of "Ring of Fire" or "When the Man Comes Around". I stopped at a great used bookstore in Midtown Manhattan called Book*Off on 41st street between Fifth and Madison. For those who find themselves near Bryant Park and the Public Library, whether on excursions for dime bags, bum tipping or higher learning - I highly recommend ducking in for a few minutes as they have a row of a couple thousand books priced at only $1.00 each. Today's big find was a 1st Edition of George R.R. Martin's A Game of Thrones - now available for bidding on eBay at drawn2distraction. Although I'm a huge fan of The Housing Works thrift store and The Strand, their locations far downtown limit accessibility during a 30 minute lunch if you work above 14th street.

Working through the stacks, looking for leisure reading, Cash's Spirit Guide in the front of my mind, one of the first books I stumbled across was COYOTE by Catherine Reid. Sensing the passing fancies of Karma, I broke out a Washington, both dollar and dime, damn tax, and carried the volume out the door with me. The book chronicles the intelligence of the Eastern Coyote. Not quite its Western counterpart, being both Coyote and a bit of Wolf, this whimsical creature is reasserting itself in New England and along the coast, pushing into territories it has never before occupied. What territories have I never before occupied? That sounds more a question to be posed by single young college bound farm boys writing into the letter columns of men's magazines. Dear Penthouse Forum, let me tell you a tale of territories occupied this last weekend. Irregardless, if Karma was calling, I wasn't in any position to answer if this book was to serve as my I Ching. If my spirit animal were to put in an appearance, it would probably be somewhat more inconspicuous. My wife found a mole the other day in the garden and proceeded to take an hour to find a safe place to leave it again, ever fearful of patrolling predators on the lookout for quick morsels! Have I mentioned how large the Pennsylvania brand of Turkey Vultures get? If I was a mole I'd be wary of daytime travel. Oh Spirit Guide, introspective mole, what words of wisdom can you extol for today?

"Bright Light, bright light", said the small mole! "I have my eyes closed against it, but still it shines through!"

"Should I fear the light then?" I replied? "Make a life in the darkness, in the shadows? What evil lurks in the heart's of men?"

"Indeed" said my diminutive guide. "Avoid as well; water at all costs, and eating after midnight. Not only can it lead to gastronomic disarray, but sudden changes can occur!"

"Rapid weight gain?" I inquired.

"That and worse" The mole replied. "You might become an all new animal all together."

That comment reminded me of a favorite childhood book, "The Monster's Ring", and as well, some recollection of a favorite childhood film.

* Just a quick recommendation here for Monster's Ring by Bruce Coville. Reading is fundamental people!

"No bright light, water or late-night meals - eh?" I inquired.

"True, so true" said my furry friend.

Alas, it occurs to me that my spirit guide is not the mole my wife unearthed, but the Mogwai from the movie "Gremlins".

"And what might you be doing in my neck of the woods" I queried?

"Have you seen all the recent remakes?" He replied. "I mean, if "Halloween" can get made again, why not me, or "E.T"? Imagine what Peter Jackson could do to me for $100 Million Dollars with his special effects team. Imagine the site of 10,000 Mogwai streaming down a hillside."

"Mega-Mogwai vs Godzilla. Or, possibly to do battle with light sabers against Stripe and his ilk"? I inquired?

"Lets not go that far" the diminutive fellow responded. "But next time you find yourself sitting across the table from bigwig studio executives, calm your mind of its ceaseless chattering with a thousand thoughts a minute and heed my words!"

"And those words are?"

"Furry animals were once box office gold and we will be again!"

And with that, the Once and Future King slowly faded away.

With great reflection I see now that my Spirit Guide had put in an appearance to warn against the approaching dawn, and the dangers of staying up all night. Be that whether or not due to chasing the written word, or exploring unoccupied territories, or even one cup too many of java after 6pm - his message has been heard and I heed the call of bed.